It was a warm dark night. As James sat on the brown leather corner sofa in his lounge, mobile phone suspended precariously above his head by his slightly achy hands, he listened to the sounds of his lively toddler seemingly demolishing the smallest upstairs bedroom.
It may have been the sound of a rhinoceros ploughing through the walls. It may have been a gang of workmen with heavy plant. It may have been a particularly careless, heavy-footed burglar dragging a TV, wardrobe and bathroom sink from the house. But, James hoped, it was just Joshua being Joshua.
With Sarah out having a particularly late night hair appointment, James was left to reflect on the previous week or so to see if he could think of anything blogworthy. Admittedly the lack of anything blogworthy didn’t tend to stop him writing a blog post regardless, but on this occasion he was intent on making it an action packed smorgasbord of drama, so as to delight his readers and keep them coming back for more.
Having curiously decided to write the entry in the third person, his mind wandered back to a service station near Birmingham where he had visited on his journey back from Manchester last week in a bid to stay awake for the rest of the journey. James had been all too aware that the last time he fell asleep whilst driving he wrote off his car on the M4 and broke his sunglasses.
James’ mind flickered back to the oversized emoji cushions he had seen at the services whilst searching for the Krispy Kreme stand.
‘Aren’t they jolly’ he had thought, snapping a few suitable shots for posterity. ‘Perhaps I’ll use them in a blog entry one day’ he had considered, before later accepting that it would be difficult to find a suitable accompanying entry. Unless of course he crafted some bizarre third person trip down memory lane one day – but even James wouldn’t plumb those depths. Or so he thought.
With little amusing content that could be found in the service station recollection James moved on to other recent memories in search of inspiration. ‘Maybe some stories about Joshua would go down well?’ he reflected. But what amusing things has he done recently? James pondered the following:
Joshua had gotten into the habit of demanding to be put down immediately when he became bored of being carried, shouting ‘put it down me’. In a bid to avoid a lengthy, and probably fruitless, conversation about personal pronouns James had tried to get him to say ‘put me down please, Daddy’. No chance, although this did cause him to say ‘put it down me daddy’ which was a step in the right direction. Perhaps he hasn’t quite grasped the concept of ‘me’ thought James. Sarah joined in the fun and tried again by saying ‘put me down please, Daddy’, to which Joshua went with ‘put mummy down, Daddy.
James and Sarah laughed like hyenas. Clearly Joshua had known exactly what ‘me’ meant but just didn’t fancy being told what to do. No change there then. Although the incident was very funny at the time, James was unsure how well it would translate to his blog entry. So he thought about other funny Joshua moments. Like when a frog jumped out as we were clearing away the paddling pool. That was funny, but was it funny enough?!
Then there was the time when Joshua had very neatly eaten an ice lolly. Such was the fear that Joshua would distribute the melting lolly across each and every surface of the living room, a bib was affixed to his neck, like a protective collar around a postoperative dog. Complete success was achieved with all of the melted, juicy goodness perfectly captured. Until of course Joshua’s nan took the bib off and spilt the entire contents of it over the carpet. At least that memory had a nice photo to accompany it, James pondered.
James racked his brain for other funny tales, but there were none. James broke down into floods of warm, salty tears. ‘My life just isn’t funny enough’ he sobbed!
As he felt pins and needles spread down his left little finger like a man firmly and persistently stroking a porcupine he decided to end his blogging session for the evening. And although he had lost all of the sensation in his left hand he slowly came to realise that although not everything in life is funny enough to write a blog entry about, in reality every day with a toddler is filled with comical moments and that tomorrow he’d get to experience it all over again. What an awesome life!!
Anyway, if you’ve made it this far congrats!! The crying part was a joke by the way – if I start crying over this blog one day I should probably give it up!! Unless I cry with joy at the hundreds of readers of course. Ahem.
Before I go I just wanted to say another congrats to Fran from Whinge Whinge Wine for getting shortlisted for the Mumsnet award for comic writing. Being funny is actually a lot harder than it looks and Fran’s blog is always consistently funny so fair play to her!