Halloween in the olden days used to be a piece of piss. Buy lots of sugary things, wait for neighbourhood or family children to rock up at your door and hand over aforementioned sugary things. The only challenging thing I can remember about Halloween when I lived at home was trying to work out which fancy-dressed trick or treater was actually my aunt, given she isn’t particularly tall! Hi Anne!
These days it’s a minefield.
1. First up, living in your own house ramps the pressure up significantly. How much stuff do you buy? Will anyone actually turn up? Where do you park your cars to stop some dick head teenager throwing things at them?!
2. Is it still the done thing to give out sugary shit? Would I want my own little one to collect a bucket full of sugar to devour to the point where’s he’s literally climbing the walls?! What is the socially responsible thing to give out?
a) Fruit? Healthy but might make you look like a dick! And not grapes as they might choke.
b) Sweets? You look cooler to the children but possibly not so much to the parents!
c) Chocolate? As above but more expensive!
d) Cold hard cash?! Easy, good for all parties, but a teeny tiny bit like begging!
3. If dressed up teenagers come to your door what do you do with them? Surely you don’t give them sweets? Do you just tell them to piss off and hang out in the park with White Lightening like normal teenagers?!
4. Am I too grown up to just turn the lights off and pretend we’re not home if someone comes knocking? And if we do that will someone spread excrement on our windows?
5. if some bellend dressed as a clown jumps out at you in the street do you run away, laugh, call the Police or attack them with a stick / pepper spray / machete?
6. Do you need to give allergy warnings when you hand out sweets now?! ‘I know you’re a scary monster but this sweet does contain traces of nuts so please be careful’
7. Do we take our toddler out trick or treating? If so do we just go to our family’s houses, even though they’re spread far and wide?
I think we’re going for the safe, enjoyable option. Buy excessive sweets just in case, watch the X Factor with the lights off, hope no one comes knocking and then eat all the sweets on Tuesday.