Peace and quiet is a pretty hard thing to find when you’re a parent to a toddler. That’s the way it should be, of course, and no doubt in a few months I’ll be discussing how quiet the house is once he starts going to school every day. Then when he reaches his teenage years I’ll be discussing how hard it is to get a word out of him, as he skulks around the house listening to shit music and playing horrifically violent video games. Then a few years later I’ll be discussing how he now has a partner, has moved out and that we never see him at all, except when he wants money or a favour! Heaven forbid.
But for now, he’s very, very chatty and very, very demanding in terms of wanting to do things from the second he wakes up to the second he goes to sleep. I’m not sure how he manages it. There’s no afternoon nap any longer as he point blank refuses to have one, so it’s literally 12+ hours every day of solid action.
Personally I can barely keep my eyes open for 12 solid hours, let alone find active things to do! I can’t personally remember being quite so ‘busy’ as a toddler. Admittedly I can’t remember a great deal of detail about my toddling years, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t as full-on as Joshua’s! The boy could literally dig a garden up from dawn ’til dusk and still not want to stop. He could put puzzles together, destroy them, put them together again, destroy them again and put them together again more times in a day than I change the TV channel. He is RELENTLESS!
There are however 2 things that allow us not to spend the entirety of every day digging, or crawling around the floor – nursery & Netflix. You guessed it from the title, didn’t you? Maybe I should have titled it ‘Thing A & Thing B’ just to build up some suspense. Oh well. Next time.
Nursery at present is just one day a week, on Mondays. It’s a handy chance to get things done, like DIY, shopping, or sleeping. Maybe even eating snacks in the living room without being crawled over and having aforementioned snacks stolen from me. Or solo pissing. Crazy things like that. Nursery days may increase come September when he qualifies for his ‘free’ 30 hours, although this ‘free’ 30 hours seems to actually equate to about a 5p saving per day once you’ve factored everything in! For now though, apart from Mondays we have fallen in love with Netflix and its unnervingly extensive range of toddler TV programmes.
Not all the time, of course.
Just during his waking hours and then a little bit more after he’s gone to bed and we are too tired to change channels. There are some strange things on Netflix, as we have been discovering of late since we stumbled upon it by mistakenly leaning on the TV remote. As well as all the normal favourites like Paw Patrol, there are things that have never made it to any of the toddler TV channels that we have seen before. Things like:
Tayo The Little Bus
It’s about 4 little buses that have lots of pretty low-key adventures (plus one episode in space which is a bit random!). It was clearly not originally voiced in English, but Joshua has become obsessed with it because it has colourful buses in it. There are only 12 episodes I think so it gets tired pretty quickly, but it’s his new favourite thing. Along with:
Little Baby Bum’s Nursery Rhymes
Christ on a bike, this is some painful stuff. It’s a full hour (you’ll be counting down the seconds) of nursery rhymes sang by pretty awful, mostly American, singers and with GCSE-level background animated characters ‘performing’ (if you can call it that). It’s utter wank. But Joshua loves it. I dare you to give it a go. It’s like an hour of watching someone scrape their fingernails along a chalk board.
We love Masha & The Bear in this house. I could happily watch Masha & The Bear long after Joshua has gone to bed. It holds a special place in our hearts because it forms the first half of the ‘getting ready for bed’ hour on Cartoonito. It’s Russian and just gloriously odd and generally disturbing. It’s brilliant.
Masha’s tales, on the other hand, is much more odd. I think it’s Masha telling disturbing fairytales, but after 5 minutes of watching it expecting Bear to appear Joshua lost interest. Predominantly because Bear never appeared. And Masha without The Bear is like Morcambe without Wise. Ronnie without Ronnie. Ben without Jerry. I might watch it again one night to see if it gets any better…
A pretty tame, aimless version of Super Wings involving rockets and stuff. Not much happened in it really. Rejected.
We thought it was the normal Postman Pat but it was actually the movie – all 1hr 20m of it! It seemed OK, but after 45 minutes of Joshua watching it fairly intently he got bored and advised that he no longer wished to see Postman Pat. Ever again. Annoying really, because I really wanted to see if Pat won the X Factor and whether the robot Pats took over the world. I could just Google it I guess, but that’s not the point.
Those are just a few of the treats that we have been experimenting with in the past couple of weeks. On the upside it’s something new and contains episodes of things that we have not previously already watched 1,000 times over. It also gives me a break from repeatedly watching the dickheaded residents of the parafin-soaked streets of Pontypandy randomly setting fire to things just so their narcissistic ruler, Sam, can save the day like a ginger-haired, bread of heaven-singing knight in shining armour.
On the downside it’s a load more dire cartoons that eat away at your brain like some kind of brain-eating worm. Most importantly there’s no Molang! We love Molang. We seem to have a penchant for very odd, foreign cartoons.
And no, that doesn’t include Dora. Dora is the devil with cow eyes and a bowl cut and is just all sorts of turgid crap.
I’m very open to new Netflix toddler cartoon suggestions. Basically anything that means we never have to sit through that nursery rhyme thing for the 5th time is good with me. Thanking you in advance for saving my sanity!
For more funny stuff visit You Have To Laugh!